User Controls
Posts by Malice
-
2017-08-05 at 4:18 PM UTC in how to deal with people who just want you to validate their shitty opinionsGod I fucking hate people. When I attend school my goal is to be just as savage, ornery, and misanthropic as I am IRL.
Well, no, the backlash would be too strong. I could get expelled for some of the things I say, would regularly have people wanting to fight me, even kill me, and would become public school enemy #1, the most hated person there.
Either tone it down, reserve or for particularly bad moments and people, or just ignore and avoid them. -
2017-08-05 at 11:29 AM UTC in THE OFISH 2017 COLLAGE THREAD!!!Thank god. I'm genuinely going to go to bed and hope this finally ends. Not that hope does anything, but the feeling is nice, just imagining that the world will be a better place.
I hope we find a new article so we have confirmation. -
2017-08-05 at 11:28 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDSCaptain Falcon is mentally retarded. Falco, you do know that excessively repetitive and consistent behavior like your TL;DR meme is a standard sign of being on the spectrum, or at least having some strong autistic qualities, right? In your effort to fight autism, you've become autistic yourself.
Not only that, but you're spamming. By quoting the posts that annoy you because of their length, which you can just fucking scroll past just like any other post you don't want to read (Apparently you only prefer the most insubstantial ones that align with your own mental retardation, lack of genuine intellectual qualities (Durr, no, I read some books and I think I understood them)). Oh yes, as if you didn't have absolutely embarrassing beliefs in the past, and still might. Weren't you literally a muslim?
It clearly has not and never will change me (That one post was a fucking joke, dumbass.), all your doing is making it so that they're posted again, which means other people have to scroll past them twice. How fucking stupid is that? Were you honestly too fucking retarded to realize this and how fucking stupid your "strategy" is.
Lanny, we seriously need to infract Falco for spamming, or at the very least add a wordenhancement for TL;DR.
INB4 TL;DR, which I completely believe. Not childish at all, this is post is clearly too long to bother with and doesn't even deserve a response. That isn't a pathetic cop out in the slightest, no one would think this!
I would love to kill you if I had the chance. Just stick a nice blade right into your abdomen and watch you slowly bleed to death and suffer, see your experiencing the ultimate fear and know you're going to die and never live again, or get you from behind with something nice, heavy and large, and cut straight through your brainstem. -
2017-08-05 at 11:17 AM UTC in THE OFISH 2017 COLLAGE THREAD!!!HTS, did you ever consider that transition to a female made you more depressed along with causing other problems? Biologically, there's more to being a woman than simple hormones. What if the enormous suicide rate is in part due to incongruence between the radical long-term shift in this and the male body? Think about it, I know you don't understand neuroscience and the endocrine system anywhere near as well as I do, not even remotely close, but you should be able to see why this is perfectly reasonable and has a high chance of being true. Look up the information on low testosterone levels, extremely low, along with high estrogen levels, and depression. Years ago testosterone was on of my obsessions for months, and I used it myself while weight lifting. Do you know what immense sex differences there are in an array of some of the most important aspects of the brain? No, this is not a myth. God knows what kind of utterly idiotic garbage you may been reading telling you otherwise. Just take a look at this, how chasmic the divergence is in one of the most basic components!
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2005/01/050121100142.htmIn general, men have approximately 6.5 times the amount of gray matter related to general intelligence than women, and women have nearly 10 times the amount of white matter related to intelligence than men. Gray matter represents information processing centers in the brain, and white matter represents the networking of – or connections between – these processing centers.
Yes, of course there could be a benefit, if it was truly right for you (You can't be sure because you haven't actually experienced it. Don't give me that bullshit about how you "just know", you're so fucked up in the head and irrational I don't give a shit about how well you believe you understand yourself.), and things were ideal. Of course they aren't even close to ideal, because you're a half assing fat lazy stupid motherfucking piece of shit, and ugly as well. You may not even have the face to ever properly pull it off, unless you're willing receive surgery for it, even your voice, the problem is you would have actually had to pay for it by getting an education and decent job beforehand, doing things properly, instead being a worthless entitled piece of garbage that only burdens everyone. The cost for overseas surgery, which is an excellent choice at high quality hospitals that cater to medical tourists, is relatively low, you may only have needed as little as 10K. That would not have been a lot. If it was, how the fuck do people buy cars? Of course it seems like a lot due to your worthless predisposition and the state you've been in your entire life, which you're clearly too idiotic and devoid of the right character to ever escape. You'll simply continually engage in defeatism and make the most pathetic excuses for everything, attempt to explain how your life, success and happiness, is simply oh so impossible.
Well I fucking made it, and my conditions were far worse than yours. I'm literally heavily autistic and haven't had any social relations in 14 years, I've been completely isolated for the past 3 when I suffered a severe mental breakdown, developed a vast array of severe mental problems, the ones I had worsening, close to maxing out depression rating charts, feeling almost relentless depression without reprieve for the entire period, I don't even have any family, no one at all. I was anthropophobic and agoraphobic, not even stepping foot outside for up to a month. My anxiety was through the roof. Bedridden, every symptom at the maximum. It culminated in me become a serious alcoholic for an extensive period, literally drinking a 5 liter box of wine a day, then at the end 1.75L of whiskey and a box every 2 days, sometimes vomiting intermittently throughout the entire day, particularly dry heaving in teh morning, and not being able to get food or much water down for at least day, even up to 3 once, feeling horrendous.
This was my routine toward the end:>wake up in a panic completely soaked in a cold sweat after bout of extensive insomnia
>reach over to grab bucket and dry heave
>do some some dabs for the antiemetic effect and other benefits in order to keep anything down, dry heave from the smoke/vapor
>scramble for a drink and anti-depressants
Culminating in me choosing to go to the ER instead of the store to buy more and perpetuating the cycle, on the verge of a seizure, and telling them I was having thoughts of suicide. My life was so bad that spending the day there, speaking to people about my problems, having a security guard within site the entire time to monitor me, being hooked up to IVs and an ECG, lying in bed with nothing to do, was actually substantially more fun, enjoyable, and interesting than my regular life. How bad does your life have to be for that to occur? Well, pretty fucking bad.
I even experienced catatonic symptoms from the PAWS, even with ativan and etizolam, thought I may have been dying or experiencing catatonia like deterioration, which eventually happens in 17% of ASD sufferers, and planned to schedule an appointment with a neurologist, seriously considered whether I may have to move into an assisted living facility.
Then I had the intelligence and resolve to set an appointment ASAP and managed to receive Nardil on my first try because despite being so fucked up I was still intelligent, knowledgeable, had the foresight, awareness, cognitive skills and ability, to scam a Nardil prescription on my first try, which I had determined was the optimal medication for me, the only one that would work, and I was right, as always.
Now I'm about to attend school and dual major in philosophy and neuroscience to the highest level I can achieve, transfer to the best school I can, which will at least be UC Berkeley, currently ranked #6 worldwide, above Princeton and Yale, and I won't have to pay anything for it. Due to the additional scholarships I may qualify for, the potential for a full ride, I may essentially get paid to go to school. With how incredibly low my expenses are, I could live well even with the cost of the Bay Area.
You're a fucking loser. I don't believe your excuse about committing suicide being too difficult. Destruction is far easier than creation. Causing your body to cease to function, even painlessly, is a simple problem to solve. There are multiple ways to do it.
Oh, you can't afford to buy the items required? You've told us how much money you piss away each month. If you genuinely had the resolve you would save, even steal, to do so. It does not cost a lot. There are multiple methods.
How much does it cost to buy a suitable bag, something to seal it with, both of which you probably already have available, and an inert gas? What about a strong benzo and opioid? Pick up a bag of fucking heroin, you're completely full of shit if you claim you can't.
You're either too utterly imbecilic, devoid of intellectual worth, to be able to figure it out, or you don't genuinely want to.
I want you to die. You're never going to overcome your problems and you need someone to tell it to you straight, clearly and directly. Your life is absolutely meaningless, pointless, and you may as well end your suffering and immense burden on others. The only reason anyone either tries to help you is either because they feel sorry for you or simply feel immensely obligated to, like your parents, which I'm sure regret ever adopting you, something you probably figured out a long time ago, or the paramedics and doctors who are only doing it because it's their job and secretly hope you would just die and stop wasting time and resources that could be used for people who actually deserve it.
Do it! Even if they won't admit on some level everyone knows that everything I've said is true, they were tired of your repeated incessant whining a long time ago, even encouraged you and laughed as you overdosed on cam and were found by your mother (Wonderful thing to do to a parent, btw. I'm sure they love finding their only son on the verge of death.), and they know you're never going to get better and make it anyway. You're a complete waste of everyone's time and effort, want a perpetual pity party, attention, so you can delude yourself into thinking that people on a screen hundreds or thousands of miles away, who you'll never even meet, mean you aren't alone, have actual friends, and that there are people who care about you. Stop lying to yourself and accept the truth, you are alone and always will be, you're completely unlikable and will never find someone to love because you're absolutely disgusting.
As for your parents, they adopted you, a baby who needed a home, one of the most altruistic and selfless acts there is, they cared for you, suffered and were burdened, put immense effort, for countless hours, spent so much time and money trying to give you the best life they could, develop you into a good, successful person, genuinely loved you deeply as their own son, worried about you, your problems, likely spent countless moments talking to each other about you, lost sleep and cried, spent nights alone just staring at the ceiling while you were on their mind, the countless memories they had with you, trying to make you happy, they hoped for the best for you
and this is how you turned out? I wouldn't be surprised if you ever killed them or at least sent them to an early grave because of broken heart.
You're an absolute monster, an abomination. I genuinely hope that if there's one good act you ever commit in your life, if your toxic black heart can muster it, it's that you finally do the entire world a favor and kill yourself once and for all, make sure you get it right this time, as soon as possible, ideally by tomorrow. -
2017-08-05 at 12:55 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
Originally posted by NARCassist fuck off malice, you're boring.
.
You're a mentally retarded commoner. Go watch TV, fixate on sports, porn, facebook, whatever it is you low quality people do.
Originally posted by Lanny Ever think the fact that you don't actually know any women might be a contributing factor there?
No. -
2017-08-05 at 12:53 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDSI'd be willing to send Lanny a small amount to test it if he promises to only use it before exercise, pay close attention/focus his awareness on the after-effects, and write down his experience, because otherwise it would be a waste.
I would also offer PoC some, but he's bound to be incredibly fucked up and in a self-destructive state in a while where he doesn't want anyone to help him and acts like a brat/retard/jackass/asshole to them, as if I'm trying to get closer to him, be friends, even really help him or particularly care, that this means that much, or feel sorry for him.
And, of course, if you say this, he'll still have a strong overreaction, or at least a long lasting negative reaction, because of how absurdly over sensitive he is, how out of control his emotions are.
You can't fucking win with the guy!
I have to be perfectly honest, at this point I don't believe most of the people here that have serious problems, I have PoC and HTS/Phoenix in mind, hell, probably even Hydro, are ever going to get it together. I don't think they're ever going to change or listen, and will continue suffering and degrading until they die in some manner or commit suicide, which may not take long. Yeah, I said it, I genuinely think you're going to end up dead, unfortunately and it may be for the best.
No, actually, it's a fucking shame that Nardil, ECT, and TMS are so difficult to get. Ultimately I blame the psychiatric industry, and, above all, the abhorrent state and the power of political authority. Fuck statism! Statism kills people and leads to countless forms of suffering, an immeasurable level of it.
I'm done wasting time trying to give people advice based on the countless hours I've spent in reflection/thought and research, the insane amount of time and effort I put into it to the exclusion of all else, for people who can't even manage to read for 5-10 minutes, don't care, don't listen or understand, and are absolute lost causes who never truly put it to use, manage to stick with anything, who arey even genuinely try and are so apathetic.
I know I may not seem like one to talk, but I made it through hell, particularly the last 3 years of relentless hell and complete isolation, an insane amount of incredibly severe problems, but I fucking made it through and learned countless valuable lessons I fully grasped and ingrained.
I dedicated so much of my time to reading about various subjects, related to the most important facets of my life, the fundamentals of life, humanity, their society/world they created, the world/existence in general, and it finally truly bore fruit! I'm in a position where I can finally fully utilize it and move forward, put it to actual good use. I know what my passions are and what I want to do, devote as much as 8 years straight of immense continuous effort to trying to achieve.
I literally drove myself to the brink of insanity, beggining to genuinely succumb to it, masturbated, abandoned everything in life, to reach this state, this level of development. I lived! and I want to experience what I value in life to the fullest.
My ideal would be to eventually, ideally soon, leave this place and never look back. It is an absurd, useless time sink, and I've long known and accepted I've been relying, dependent on it, as a substitute for IRL social relations, because it's been the only community I've ever known. I've already beem reading far less of it, spending much less time here (My writing could have been posted anywhere.). There are far betetr communities with people who are more learned and intelligent elsewhere, far more stimulating and satisfying.
If I do leave, I will only return in two years as an update on my life, the key aspects of how it's going, and whether I'm achieving my goals. -
2017-08-05 at 12:35 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDSI'm actually changing substantially.
I can go outside daily just fine, without excessive anxiety, and I'm running 30 minutes every day at good intensity, a level of effort, with sublingual NSI-189 (massive effect when you do this).
I'm also consistently meeting responsibilities with preparing for school, and have been cleaning my apartment regularly. The floor (I just need a new powerful mop, an ultra mop, to really finish it off. Like, a huge one that also has strong large bristles or something so that it can also scrub the floor, maybe even motorized.). Taking out the trash regularly.
My sink is finally cleaned out after months. Heh, I just plugged the drain and added a ton of detergent, bleach, and max temp water, left it like that for hours. Laziest fucking way to prepare a ton of filthy hard to clean dishes, but by god if it ever works great.
Sink, shower, and toilet are all thoroughly scrubbed, disinfected, and spotless.
Eating well and consistently. General biological maintenance, bodily upkeep.
Guess I still need to work on getting to bed on time and not overdoing it because I'm reading/researching and writing excessively. Literally spend two days straight, ending just yesterday, doing this with barely a break, although my productivity dropped off a lot after 24 hours straight (I was on flmodafinil) and by midnight on the second day, when I still needed to eat and wrap up, I genuinely felt like I may accidentally pass out suddenly at some point. I just get so enthralled and obsessed by certain things, projects I'm working on. At times I just feel I have to continue the unbroken stream of consciousness and thought.
Well, at least I definitely don't have a problem reading and writing for absurd periods, maintaining my concentration, as long as I genuinely find it interesting, and I do find most things of interest, other than math and some bullshit in the arts and social sciences, at least what students are required to read and how it's presented.
I could probably beat damn near anyone, except some of those super-Asians at top universities. You can't compete with this aspie when it comes to extreme obsession/severe OCD, repetitiveness/preference for sameness, going into hyperfocus mode, generally just working non-stop on something all day long.
I highly recommend everyone try NSI-189 sublingually, ideally the freebase, before some intensive exercise. Simply an intermittent style of running/jogging, stopping and starting to keep your BPM in a certain range, the intensity/exertion high enough, for as little as 15 minutes, maybe even 10 (I prefer to do 30, although 20 would be optimal if you really ramp up the intensity near the max of what you can handle.). At least half the time you aren't even running/jogging, but simply walking or jogging at a slow pace until you recover enough energy, your heartbeat and breathing go down enough.
There's an undeniable and distinct boost in mood, energy levels, and cognition, your mental energy and what feels like the most distinct increase in general intelligence I have ever experienced, possibly the only true effect.
I won't write too much about the details because then you won't read it. -
2017-08-05 at 12:11 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
Originally posted by Captain Falcon Cuntmorphine shouldblatch on to Malice and try to get on his dick, they'd be perfect together, we'll get epic longshit posts of monumental proportions.
Fuck no, nigger. I'm pretty damn sure she doesn't feel that way and I've made it clear I don't. Then again, we all know how women tend to be, the importance of a mate/partner for them, feeling secure, especially if they have children, and how insane they can became, how radically their mentality shifts. I wouldn't consider it for a second and would instantly go complete no-contact if there were able a single distinct sign of interest.
In fact, I literally am borderline asexual, aromantic, and asocial, particularly IRL.
I'm not exaggerating. As difficult as it may be to relate to, understand, and believe for the vast majority of males, I do not form crushes at all, find women to look completely unremarkable and unmemorable, it's entirely insubstantial, superficial, and doesn't mean anything to me, would never sustain a relationship and would become unnoteworthy rapidly, I don't even look at women's bodies IRL, I find the general archetype of women, their natural behavior and what they evolved to be, to be absolutely profoundly abhorrent and repulsive,completely uninteresting for a wide variety of reasons, possessing exceedingly poor intellectual qualities, incompatible for vast array of reasons etc.
Fortunately I'm completely unsuitable anyway! How the hell could I be a suitable partner for an older woman with a child? I'm literally autistic, on SSI, and for years could barely take care of myself. -
2017-08-05 at 12:03 AM UTC in I'm on a new medication.
Originally posted by mmQ See I've had one isolated semi manic state in my life and apparently all the docs just presume I'm bipolar.
*facepalm*
Fucking psychiatrists. Honestly, if I ever have an isolated hypomanic state on Nardil I'm just going to hide it or reschedule the meeting until it subsides. I can just stop taking it and allow levels to lower due to the long half-life causing a natural tapering effect. -
2017-08-05 at 12:01 AM UTC in THE OFISH 2017 COLLAGE THREAD!!!Arbeit macht frei! Use the original German.
-
2017-08-04 at 5:19 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
Originally posted by Lanny I used to be able to recite like the first chapter of that book from memory for reasons of maximum cringe
Oh god, I just recalled I used to consider Valentine Michael Smith, Patrick Bateman, and The Joker my role models.
Well, I'm not one to talk, then. Seems we're both lifelong dweebs. -
2017-08-04 at 4:56 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
Originally posted by Lanny I used to be able to recite like the first chapter of that book from memory for reasons of maximum cringe
Ooh, tell me about it Lanny! You know I'll remember this for ever and bring it up at the most opportune moments years from now.
For example, I still remember that a few years ago, in your naive and budding early 20s, you literally used to argue that the ideal society would be founded upon an incredibly authoritarian far-left, possibly Marxist, state based on the veil of ignorance by John Rawls.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Veil_of_ignorance
I am not fucking kidding or exaggerating, this is exactly what you stated. You honestly believed that the veil of ignorance would be a tenable foundation for a political/statist system. I am never going to let you live this down, particularly with how pretentious and condescending you are in "debate" (Well, too be fair, everyone, even Sophie, simply finds you insufferable and then ignores you.). As if you never commit any errors, ave foolish thoughts of beliefs.
Originally posted by Lanny No, I'm sure lots of people think I'm stupid in all sorts of emotional states. Greenplastic just seems upset with me personally, and I'm not really clear on why. I think he might be intimidated by me or something.
Originally posted by Sophie Nah nigga', nah dawg. You are not intimidating in the slightest. It's just annoying as fuck to debate you, it's like a war of attrition and you got mad perseverance. Also i clearly remember 'winning' a debate on gun laws with you. And you just ignored my post. So, while supremely annoying, i feel compelled to argue with you on some issues, then eventually give up because you are relentless. ANd even if i do manage to make a conclusive argument for my position you will just ignore it or dump a shit load of semi related issues onto the discussion. I imagine Greenplastic is feeling the same sort of frustration with you right now. I mean, i love you and all, but dang nigga, dang dawg.
Originally posted by Malice Thank god you noticed it and stated it as well.
Lanny is one of the most annoying and infuriating people to attempt to have a conversation with, let alone a discussion, I have ever met online (Of course there's a selection bias, only participating in certain communities, ignoring most members, so it's not like he's all that bad compared to most people). Yes, he's highly intelligent and knowledgeable, but I swear, it's like he has something worse than autism.
Transcendental autism. Something in his brain/mind must have transcended autism and gone a level beyond, taken a different form, where it's no longer clinically detectable.
No, I'm not serious about the autism, but everything before that is absolutely true.
Originally posted by Lanny You guys are so mean. I just wanted to be like my hero Rust. Is that really so much to ask? What a buncha bullies
Originally posted by Malice The Problem of Socrates
http://www.handprint.com/SC/NIE/GotDamer.html#sect2
Drink the hemlock, Lanny, like he chose to. One day you may be driven to that point as well.
Alcohol is your hemlock, it's simply a much slower death.
Originally posted by Lanny Ohh, I like that. Yes, yes, feed into my messiah complex. It's delicious.
That was a good line. I had the thought before, but you should really create a custom sign for your liquor cabinet based on this.
Originally posted by Captain Falcon Didn't read.
Lanny isn't autistic, you autistic faggot
Oh?
Then how do you explain
...
THIS
Originally posted by Lanny I hope yall niggas are prepared for
[spoiler(breaking spoiler tags)]
double spinner autism!
Lanny, did you ever see this post I made? I sperged out and went into super-autism mode. Started with almost no knowledge of fidget toys and ended up finding the best toys around, guaranteed. Also wrote an extensive analysis of the best fidget cube I found vs the best fidget dodecagon I found:
https://niggasin.space/post/230536
Oh shit, my fidget dodecagon is arriving tomorrow! Fuck yeah, I have a compulsive need to stim. Well, not in the typical fashion, mostly I just sit weird and change positions a lot, fidget a fuckton when I'm alone. No, wait, I think when I go into hyperfocus mode, when reading something fascinating or writing something important/that I enjoy, I can remain remarkably still for long periods of time. -
2017-08-04 at 4:21 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
Originally posted by LegalizeSpiritualDiscovery Getting toward the end of Stranger in a Strange Land, about 150 pages left. Malice, if Valentine Michael Smith, the Man from Mars, can grok people, you can too. But really, it's a good book, y'all should read it if you haven't.
I fucking loved that book! I learned about that book in 12th grade, can't remember how, and asked my sister to get it for me from a library she and my younger brother went to regularly that was further away (Heh, I still fucking hated going outside back then.). I was specifically looking for the unabridged edition and fortunately they had it.
I actually used to consider Valentine one of my role models, as odd as that may sound.
Really, it's a pretty famous book. I thought it was fantastic, very memorable and unique. Even now, 10 years later, I can still remember the general story. Right now memories are coming back to me, visualizations of the scenes, certain parts of the book, how it ends.
Wow, I can really remember a surprising amount. Must be because it made such an impression on me. Definitely one of the top fiction books I've read.
-
2017-08-04 at 12:57 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDSHey, that post could actually be really helpful to PoC if he reads it.
I'm being altruistic, trying to help a fellow autist because I genuinely understand what it's like. -
2017-08-04 at 12:51 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
Originally posted by Piles of Crack Pro tip, don't blow fishscale cocaine if you're on Effexor XR.
Oh man, PoC, blowing fishcale on something with strong norepinephrine reuptake inhibition.
What happened? What was it like? I'm guessing awful.
Cocaine may actually be an inverse agonist of dopamine and possibly NE too IIRC. I'd like to know how it interacted with something that elicits NRI.
Originally posted by Piles of Crack Looks like I'm single again, big surprise there. Who would expect that someone with borderline personality disorder, autism and depression can't handle maintaining an intimate relationship?
Uhh, to be perfectly honest, it's pretty clear Hydro is really unstable. I mean, I'm not entirely sure, but I've heard some very concerning things about her from §m£ÂgØL, which may actually be true. I was genuinely worried she would drive you to suicide and that it wouldn't necessarily take that long.
I mean, yeesh, the crazy of two people like you combining is not likely to turn out well. It's like, BOOM!
Dude, you shouldn't even blame yourself. I'm completely serious, you were taking a major risk, but I thought it was best for you to take it anyway.
Read this, there's a very good reason for it, it's not about Hydro or relationships:
Well, no, I know how you react, because I actually massively overreact to anything negative from other people IRL. If anyone does anything to hurt me, even just a negative facial expression (It's angry looking eyes, particularly with a matching voice, that bother me the most. A good coping strategy would be to look away whenever someone is upset/angry or being hurtful.), tone of voice, raising their voice, or, worst, insulting and yelling at me, threatening me, anything negative, my emotional reaction, how excessive it is compared to how serious it would actually seem to a normal person, is literally likely multiplied at least 4 times. Then I keep replaying the memory excessively in my head, and the memory is encoded unusually clearly to begin with, is filmographic, which only makes it worse because the effect of remembering is stronger, and you know I never forget anything. I can't fucking help it, likely due to the standard (severe) OCD aspect of autism/aspergers, sometimes it just pops up and pisses me off, makes me hate people, not want to be around anyone or trust them, ever have any close relationships of any kind, even friendship, and I can also develop extremely violent revenge fantasies that are unbelievably out of proportion to what they did, although my excessive emotional response skews my perception, gets out of control, and I begin to justify it in various ways, fixate and go over all the ways that they're awful, bad/terrible people, and the world would be better off without them. Of course these are just impotent fantasies and I never come close to going through with them, just being extremely adverse, conflict avoidant, and reclusive, simply ignoring or avoiding people. Of course I know that it isn't good for me, but in the past I either justified it and felt I didn't want to or shouldn't change, that it was everyone else that was the problem, this terrible world I never chose or asked to be born into, or I simply didn't care and kept enraging myself more and more. I know this only made things worse and I needed to make a vow to break the cycle once and for all. Or, it's not necessarily anger. Despite how abrasive, cold, distant, sadistic/with a fucked up/evil sense of humor I can come across as having, saying whatever I want, what's on my mind, what I genuinely believe in no matter how offensive it is,
I'm actually extremely, excessively/overwhelmingly sensitive and easily hurt, to the point of pain, where I feel I can't handle normal relationships like normal people do because of this. Even in elementary and middle school I remember crying at things most boys wouldn't cry at. In middle school just boys in my class I was hanging out with being abrasive and making jokes at my expense, which they do to everyone, would make me cry immediately sometimes. I distinctly remember it would make everyone go quite and feel awkward and once of them said, "He's just doing it for attention.", which wasn't true. Or not even someone being angry, but just feeling rejected, ignored, that someone/people didn't care about me, if I or something I did, gave to someone, felt/was unappreciated etc.
Of course all this is the core, the actual reason for how I act.
The reason I asked you to read that, which was completely honest and true, is because I wanted to ask this: Did that sound incredibly familiar to you?
I swear, I could be a better ASD specialist, psychologist, therapist, and overall psychiatrist than the vast majority of these stupid useless motherfuckers. Who's going to know autism better than a high IQ aspie with hyper-memory and rapid reading speed who's incredibly obsessed with it and has poured over endless research? What in the fuck do they teach them at school? It's like they barely know shit but the most basic understanding, and they have to check their reference book a lot of the time anyway, so they don't even really understand most medication or disorders. They say such fucking retarded shit, recommendations, act elitist as if they earned it, belittling, egotistical, petty, utterly moronic false diagnoses, absolute cowards when it comes to medication and treatment resistant disorders, completely generic and unimaginative, many clearly made a mistake in their career choice and don't enjoy it, stopped caring a long time ago and just look bored out of their mind and perpetually dead inside, living for no other reason than to get through the day, like they're constantly following a script, may as well be replaced by an iPad/tablet with a questionnaire etc.
If you're interested, when you have time, because I know my posts tend to be long as hell walls of text and hard to get through, especially the ones about neuroscience, give this a read. I explain the neurological aspects behind this, which are crucial to fully understanding why we're like this: https://niggasin.space/post/221304
I'm so certain of this, there are an unbelieveable amount of papers/studies I've full read that support this, that I genuinely want gamma knife surgery to lesion part of the right hemisphere of my amygdala. I came across a post on socialanxietysupport some time ago from someone who did this exact thing for severe lifelong anxiety that wouldn't go away, to the point where she was agoraphobic and it destroyed her life, she was unable to live independently. It may sound crazy, but, no, it's an incredibly sound non-invasive technique and the section targeted will simply undergo apoptosis (cell death) and gradually wither away over the course of a year, which allows your brain to adjust better, as opposed to receiving a sudden shock from invasive surgery that removes it with sharp instruments. At this point I've done such an immense amount of research, have come to such a full understanding of what autism is, that I am 100% certain this would be the key long-term treatment for what has caused the most damage, hardship, and suffering in my life. It's only around 10K if you go to an excellent overseas hospital that caters to medical tourists. They're actually better and safer than US hospitals, all staff speaks english, doctor's were often trained in the US etc. and of course the prices don't come close to the insane levels they do in they do in the US, the worst in the world by far.
I can't take massive doses of benzos every day for my entire life. Unfortunately due to the pharmaceutical industry, possibly the most corrupt and flat out evil there is, which also has the highest profit margin, at something like a 28% average for the sector, which is fucking ridiculous, and the stupidity of man, an array of factors affecting researchers, academics, who publish papers and attempt to produce drugs, we're essentially still mostly the exact same shit we did 40 years ago and it's no more effective. How in the hell do they think it feels when it's been this long and there's still no effective medication/treatment, no cure, in sight? Are we supposed to just suck it up and learn to live with it? How is that supposed to feel, living with this hell, suffering and hardship every day without end, no reprieve, for potentially decades? Fuck that, I'm taking matters into my own hands. How many people have psychiatrists killed by being too fucking lazy and stupid to research the truth about Nardil/MAOIs and giving them to people who actually need them as opposed to piece of shit SSRI after SSRI. I guarantee you they won't be able to give you a good explanation for why another will work when others haven't. It's basically just, "How do you know it won't?" Oh gee, low side effect profile (low liability for them), easy to use/for them to deal with, most patients aren't seriously depressed anyway and just need someone to bitch to, to feel like they're being listened to, cared about/that someone cares, and hope is on the way/beginning/possible, a placebo effect, and time for whatever's going on in their life to resolve. God I fucking hate people, and you get lumped in with these stupid motherfuckers. To answer "How do you know it won't work?" Well, gee, maybe because it's never come even fucking close before regardless of dose or time, despite the vast array I've already tried and failed? Not only that, but the drop in the depression rating for SSRIs is only statistically significant for severe depression, not mild or moderate. Even then it's only about an average of 8 points at most IIRC. So if you're continually near the max level like I was, around 40-44/50 and you drop 8 points to 32, you're still pretty fucking depressed! And that 8 point drop is only for people that respond to them, and your odds of responding become increasingly lower the more medication you've tried. In fact, you're supposed to be labeled treatment resistant after failing 2-3 medications, not continually put on the SSRI carousel, but of course these stupid motherfuckers probably don't even know that. So what really should be asked isn't "How do you know they don't work?", you should be the one explaining this and asking "Explain to me how in the fuck it's reasonable to expect that it will work and is going to cure my depression! Can you do basic fucking math?! What the fuck is 40 minus 32?! Can you do percentages, you fucking stupid motherfucker, what are the odds I'm even going to respond to this based on the studies I just showed you? Multiply the percentage by the average effect on responders by 8 and tell me what that is. So on average it's going to reduce the severity of people like me by 1 motherfucking point?! Why in the fuck are you even a psychiatrist, you useless piece of shit?!"
You know, something like that.
Post last edited by Malice at 2017-08-04T00:56:10.213643+00:00
Post last edited by Malice at 2017-08-04T00:58:55.311206+00:00 -
2017-08-03 at 11:26 PM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDS
Originally posted by Captain Falcon Lanny humours him by acting like he's taking him seriously, so he became obsessed with Lanny. Pretty much the same deal as nerds who fall in love when a pretty chick is nice to them.
Sometimes I like to pretend Lanny coming out as a girl never happened and this has all been an elaborate troll...The person I met with was just a friend of hers...Hmm, yes, particularly if I was a woman I would never meet with someone like me...
Actually, I do recall that back on Zoklet I may have noticed distinct changes in his posting style for periods of time. This caused me to strongly suspect he was sharing his account with someone, likely his girlfriend, although I suppose it could have been a close female friend who wanted to troll us with him.
It's always possible that a female was the original Lanny and then he took over. The only question is, who was it that I truly fell in love with...If the person on the other end that you thought was female, yet the personality they portrayed, everything else, was genuine, could you overcome your innate predisposition, societal conditioning, and bring yourself to accept them in a male body? -
2017-08-03 at 6:21 AM UTC in THE OFISH 2017 COLLAGE THREAD!!!Heh, I'm going to post pictures of my feet after I go for a 30 minute intermittent run/jog and walk, then eat and shower. You'll be able to see how surprisingly pretty, elegant, even regal, they can look for a man who has barely had to work a day in his life, exerted no serious physical effort. I daresay they're nicer than the vast majority of women's.
Well, the physical effort part isn't serious. I did used to work out pretty intensively regularly. God, I remember how much I used to walk in the past. Like, hours just for whatever reason, wandering around to explore Berkeley. If a place was an hour or less one way, I would walk. I'm really capable of having a ton of endurance when walking. Heh, reminds of the time I took LSD and spent two days in a regional park because I was lost, went way off trail.
Ah, here's the story. You should give it a read, it's kind of funny:
https://niggasin.space/post/8658 -
2017-08-03 at 6:14 AM UTC in THE OFISH 2017 COLLAGE THREAD!!!
Originally posted by cerakote
these are my feet after 4 days of consecutive shifts of my job. yes, those are friction burns. i had burns like them all over my torso last week (theyre only on my arms atm). i work this job that gives me foot rug burns and athletes foot and dries my skin out until its shiny so i can pay my bills and have fuckoff money. i dont work because i WANT to, i work because i HAVE to. its how real people in the world do things. why should i, a person who works for my shit like any other decent human being, give you, a useless manchild who wouldnt be able to function 2 minutes in real life, my money and enable your fuckshit?
if human life is so meaningless then on behalf of every taxpayer in america i beseech you to kill yourself and make ours suck less
I'd rather die than work like that! Really work any job I didn't enjoy long term, especially low level jobs. Something like food service would lead to rapid suicide. I would 100% honestly rather be homeless than work doing something like a fast food job or cashier at a grocery store, whatever else people do.
Also, to prevent athletes foot, consider incorporating some of my severe OCD impeccable foot hygiene routine in the future:
For feet, in the shower, soap, exfoliation with small grater, rinse, soap, pumice stone, rinse, soap, Non-Scratch Scotch-Brite, rinse, dry, clear gel deodorant. Shoe insoles disinfected regularly by adding hot water, laundry detergent, and bleach, then rinsing it out and soaping again with good concentrated dish soap (Kroger brand is by far the best) to rinse out any residual cleaning material easily.
At the very least I would strongly recommend putting deodorant on them. It's completely safe and it WORKS! Think about the simple logic behind this. -
2017-08-03 at 5:09 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDSNext will be a post on reputable Chinese replica clothing.
Before that, two random notes:
#1) The inorgasmia from Nardil seems to be subsiding. Took far shorter today, it was much easier to orgasm. Increasing pleasure as well, arousement, ability maintain an erection. Likely in part from continuing recovery from my ailments, primarily severe depression, even anxiety, the neurological and endocrine changes. NSI-189 and going out for walks/jogs also helps considerably as well, triggers a distinct boost in mood, energy, and cognition afterward. It was also likely influenced by taking a good dose of vitamin D3 powder at night with a meal (fat improves absorption by quite a lot) due to the effect on testosterone it has. As I've mentioned before, diurnal variation in T is standard among males, peaking right around morning, which is the actual reason morning wood occurs, increased arousement particularly after waking. It's actually also been found that this is the time when males most prefer/desire sex (median).
I've been finishing off, or rather, using it as the second phase as it was still taking a very large amount of time in the past, using the hand humping technique. Make a fist and then extend your fingers a small amount. Now peer through the tunnel that has been made, viewed from the inner/thumbward side. Do you have the image now? I mentioned, after someone brought it up, that largely due to being circumcised I had never preferred using lube to jack off due to it feeling less pleasurable, my penis head becoming overstimulated and desensitized from this too rapidly, and it being much harder to come, with orgams less intense. I had to switch due to needing far mor stimulation after the inorgasmia set in. I now figured that it was using too much lubricant, the wrong kind, that was the main problem. I wasn't experiencing enough friction. Switching to baby oil, not too much, worked far better.
As for the technique, I simply oil up my hand, the humped area, penis, with the outer side of the entrance the thumb and ring finger make, underside of foreskin and the area it covers, and head, receiving more lubricant. I then lay down a sheet of paper towel below my penis to prevent oil from getting on the bed sheets and to ejaculate onto. After this, I simply lay on my side, with a strong preference for the left, as this is my natural sleeping position, legs extended so as to make the length of my penis fully available, under the covers as the temperature will better emulate the vaginal cavity, which I've found to be quite important, the oil helping with heat retention as well, both from the air as well as friction and heat transference from hand, then simply adjust my left hand, the entrance I make facing the penis head, of course, and usually take my penis and move it with my right hand so that it pops in there, the entrance tightened so as to simulate initial penetration. Then, as with a woman, moving solely my left hand this time, possibly stabilizing with the left at times, I move generally repeat this motion, exiting and entrancing so as to indulge in the particularly pleasurable feeling of initial entrance repeatedly. I then gradually continue to insert further, the area beneath the head feeling particularly pleasurably, moving back and forth, even exiting at times and entrancing once again, until full penetration is achieved. Emulated vaginal tightness varies with time and visualization. After this the style depends on what sex act is being imagined, the female's response. Long strokes, even reaching the point of near exit, without need for right hand stabilization. Sometimes a pleasureable accidental popping out. Thrusting with hips. The right hand moving in tandem with long strokes and tapping the scrotum to emulate full penetration, "balls deep" as it is colloquially known, slapping against a woman's ass or clitoris (I've mentioned a theory I have, which I am quite confident, in the past, on how this feels particularly pleasurable and seems to be a strong natural orgasm trigger when done right likely due to evolutionary origins. In sex, this would signal full penetration and extension of the vagina from arousal, increased likelihood of the female being near orgasm, during which the cervix moves downward in a scooping motion, and seminal deposit being allowed to the furthest depth. Impeccable logic!). Variations based on imagined anal sex, being considerably tighter, needing time to loosen and fully work its way in. The woman on top, possibly moving onto my back for this, even moving her hips in a circular motion in tandem with with vertical movement, or simply holding the head and foreskin region in while moving in this motion, to quite exotic effect. The thought of a woman's pleasure, moans, orgasm, is by far the most arousing to me, something I noticed in my adolescent years as a novice self-pleasurer. The ideal trigger for orgasm being full penetration, long rapid strokes, a high degree of imagine pleasure along with physical indications, such as a flushed face, possibly other parts of her body, of course moans, language, maximal arousal from her body, such as focus on the perfectly proportioned derriere, grabbing, spanking, possibly even switching to a fantasy of her developing a strong desire for anal, even an addiction to it, and finally I have found that the thought of her in the doggy style position, legs spread a bit as a natural sign of the gates being opened for you, and upper body resting on something soft yet large at the top of the bed, which she rests her body on, elevating it, and from this position bending forward to rest your body against hers, have her posterior fully pressed against you, and passionately kissing her as you thrust deeply and rapidly, simultaneously enjoying every aspect, the maximal contact, feeling of intimacy, as well as her bottom and genitalia fully pressed against yours. From hence, thrusting always maintained, and the final, fullest, thrust times with the inceptive and most powerful ejaculation, one can achieve orgasm of the highest calibre!
And so concludes my masterful guide on the techniques used to achieve the most decadent and gratifying masturbatory escapade!
#2) I had a ton of 1 dollar bills, thought that was just about all I had other than maybe a few 5s, in a tray on my desk and had never bothered to check if I had more there.
No, Lanny, I was never near broke or borderline homeless, I simply thought I had less money than I feel comfortable with, prefer, as a matter of caution and responsibility, regardless of how erratic and inconsistent it may be, or simply appear (You know not my full thoughts and values.), in other aspects of my life.
Turns out I had 4 fucking 7 accumulated. Fuck this shit, goddamn 1s, I'm spending them ASAP instead of using debit to get rid of them.
Not only that, but I found numerous other bills as well, including hundreds. $457 total.
Good lord I'm uncaring about money relative to the average person. It reminds of the time I forgot an envelope in that tray for months with 2.7K in it. Oh, it was at the end of last year, I thought it had been more recent: https://niggasin.space/post/77566
Autism memory power, remembered the string of words I needed on the second google.
Well, I definitely need new shoes, the Merrell Vapor Glove 2 or 3, cheap slippers, Decibullz - Custom Molded Earplugs, 31dB, possibly a cheap laptop, or whatever the term is for the most basic kind, for school. Just need it for simple internet browsing and writing, a good battery life, dependable and durable. Although it's possible I may receive money for that. Hell, i could potentially even lie about (eventually or concurrently) pursuing a CS degree and use that as an excuse to request more money for a considerably more expensive laptop, due to what I would claim to be higher requirements. Clothes, possibly good ones from China. Definitely need new shirts and a jacket. It's going to start getting cold around November, and I can't stand the cold, especially if there's wind. Nothing I hate more than a cold wind, likely due to sensory hyper-sensitivity, which effects my skin as well.
I need some motherfucking weed. It's been some time since I ran out and last smoked. Helps with so many things, particularly the irritability I've been feeling and falling asleep on time. Well, that is really my fault due to staying up reading, sometimes until, god, even as far as 6-7AM recently. heading straight to the Green Cross for a half oz of AC/DC, then Purple Star, by far the best dispensary in terms of overall value, for the optimal indica flowers and wax they have. Stock up.
Oh, I need ketamine (Provides a strong rapid boost in mood, motivation, hedonic tone, ability to use willpower, and reduces anxiety, all of which last for 1-2 weeks after a single dose, as well as numerous other benefits, and is excellent for depressive episodes, in case I actually am mildly bipolar or experience episodes for an unknown reason.), clonazolam, and nortriptyline and reboxetine to combine with Nardil, during separate periods, to see what works best, as it prevents the tyramine reaction and allows you to eat whatever you want, may even reduce the effect of norepinephrine, which would be fantastic as I've written how it effects me due to the neurological archetype of my autism, the amygdala abnormalities, how it causes horrendous relentless anxiety, fear, and apprehension.
Hmm, so that's maybe $600 without the laptop, which I could possibly get for free. Oh, and I may/will probably receive a fair amount of other money for expenditures, even cost of living. When I registered I requested to speak about, register for, various programs i qualify for, so I may receive it from multiple sources. Excited to see what the most I can get is.
Oh, another thing that was mentioned during the orientation! Students are actually allowed to take one class at UC Berkeley, which is really close by, at the same cost per unit as what the community college charges (I believe my fee is waived.). What a sweet deal! I'll actually be able to select the most interesting class relevant to my goals I can find and experience UC Berkeley, a bit of what it's like, right away! Score!
Good lord, 1849 words this time!
I was wrong, Falco, I just don't learn. I went right back to my autistic predisposition.
Oh, actually, I took flmodafinil today, which always plays a huge part. Jesus christ it could make me productive if i channeled it to something like school, which I absolutely plan to do. No, seriously, imagine if I channeled all this power toward school. Shit, ideally I could probably get done with the entire semester in, like, 1/2 the time at least!
Post last edited by Malice at 2017-08-03T05:18:03.471518+00:00 -
2017-08-03 at 2:55 AM UTC in The Retarded Thread: Click Here for AIDSLanny, do these entice you as well?
This is so discreet and well made. Perfect if you don't want to stand out, for it to be noticeable, are ever in a situation where the use of a fidget toy wouldn't be seen as acceptable (Boring as fuck meetings that never amount to anything/much.).
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/fidgipen/fidgi-pen-a-fidget-toy-disguised-as-a-pen
Found a superior version of the standard cube, higher quality and 2 silent buttons. 97% 5 star 3% 4 star at 36 reviews: https://www.amazon.com/Fidget-Zippi-reduce-anxiety-Stress/dp/B0716P8B3N/ref=pd_sbs_21_35?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B0716P8B3N&pd_rd_r=YHN5TFEM00NYYEST0NFR&pd_rd_w=6BIGS&pd_rd_wg=0Cb3O&psc=1&refRID=YHN5TFEM00NYYEST0NFR
The ultimate fidget toy, a fidget dodecagon. 78, 15, 6, 0, 1 rating, 5-1 stars, average 4.7:
Only thing I dislike are those stupid fucking faces. Well, I guess you could run your thumb across them for tactile stimulation. I would also highly prefer something like the buttons on the cube as opposed to the d-pad, with 2 of them silent. Although some of them may replace, even be superior to the cube, for pen like clicking. The d-pad buttons could also be easily modified with a dremel or file, the legs (shorter sides, as opposed to the hypotenuse) filed down until even with the surface so there's more room between them
More analysis of the dodecagon, using things in reach to imagine an analogous experience:
Can't see myself using the soft button, stress ball, or d-pad. Actually, a flicking motion on the first two does feel nice. Oh, and if pressed in a circular motion, which is what I would prefer, the d-pad may actually be preferable to the 5 buttons/clickers.
Ripped skin for a back and forth motion using thumb, maybe, but gets boring fast, and the cube gears could provide a superior replacement due to also providing motion, and you could also slide your thumb across all three, at a right angle to them, for a similar texture, possibly even more satisfying due to greater roughness, the gaps in between. Oh wait, this has gears as well.
Rope loop: Not gonna us it to spin or hang it. *grabs 2 large thick well made/strong rubber bands, folds them* *Thinks about rocking motion, hangs pipe from them* Oh, actually, rocking it back and forth does feel pretty satisfying, and of course it is larger and heavier, making it more satisfying. As for tugging, it actually does feel nice on the fingers with two hands, like, tension relieving, an outlet for putting actual force into something. With one hand it also feels nice to put around your fingers and extend, work the extensor. Don't know how durable it would be for this or how thick it feels, the resistance.
Sliding interface: Would feel nice, especially with a light locking mechanism.
Squishy buds: Also seems appealing, different from anything the cube offers.
Only thing missing is that metal ball bearing. Seems nice to spin and flick, but then again the metal texture could feel too slippery and be frustrating. Nothing really gives the same sensation, unfortunately. Then again, of course the gears do the same thing, and if the ball can be depressed it doesn't appeal to me, would actually be detrimental, a nuisance, due to likelihood of it accidentally occurring when spinning. Also, of course the gears also allow the same motion, although not as smooth, but I think I may prefer that. Although the feeling of metal would be nice, only part that provides it. Also, the ball can be turned in any direction, without need for alignment along an axis, but I would only likely spin/turn it in the cardinal directions anyway. Also the cube could simply be turned if I wanted to spin the gears along an x axis. Due to my preference for sameness/repetition I can't see myself changing directions often. Emulated it with a lighter's flint wheel and it doesn't feel right.
Only benefit the cube has is that it's smaller and less discrete, more portable. This isn't an issue for me, I'd prefer the increased size and weight. Feels much better in the hands, along with the shape.
I am an analyzation machine.
(No, this is not rationalization. It actually surprised me, the cube initially seemed like it could win. Could it truly be a coincidence, or, beneath the surface/superficial impression, a surprisingly well thought out design? Good chance, the people who design things like this tend to be, or at least should be, pretty intelligent, knowledgeable, and skilled/have quite a bit of relevant real world/work experience. There's a lot at stake.)
Yep, looks like dodecagon wins decisively. I'm buying it.
Oh damn, I've been fixated on fidget toys, all the aspects I had to research, ponder, and analyze, for the past 4 hours! I just sperged out hardcore again without really realizing it. I'm autistic as fuck! I mean, seriously, I literally did this over fidget toys, it's...it's just absurd! It's almost as if the universe is attempting to make me as autistic as possible, guide/send me down a path where I become the most autistic being in history, the most powerful autist alive. I literally wrote 1072 words!
But, no, this is genuinely the kind of effort I put into something that genuinely matters to me, a significant long-term purchase. I enjoy it and it's worth it to me. If I hadn't done so I would have made a serious mistake/sub-optimal choice, costing me considerable utility, and not merely in terms of pleasure, but from the benefits fidget toys have for autists and ADDs (ADDuds...I kind of like that. Meant to convey defectiveness. A deficit in the ability to maintain attention is not a gift. Well, then again, it's not necessarily purely negative, so I suppose I'm not one to talk after all!). Over the utility deficit would have been substantial, far more than what I may have lost from the opportunity cost of this.